//and I couldn’t wait to grow up.

From tens of thousands of excuses I used to find for not doing my homework to the extra hours I put in at nights cutting sleep to submit last-minute assignments, I grew up. I never thought I would wish this hard to undo the process. I remember crying a lot to get a stuffed toy at a supermarket, which I renamed Oregano a few days back because I couldn’t recall what I named it then, the time when it meant a lot to me. Now it feels easier to pretend that I am fine, and concomitantly silence the screaming soul, the running eyes, and the racing heart, just another moment later.

Growing up made me lie often because explaining wasn’t as good a choice. There are a few days now that I feel wonderful, thanks to a bunch of people, and to the motivational quotes, the ones that tell you to keep going and everything. ‘Pollyannaish’ isn’t a much-spotted feeling. I’m so convinced with the argument that feelings are too young to support me at this age that I totally advocate for it in my bio.

If it is just a phase, I want this to pass. Ironically, it is similar to the longing I had to escape springtime to observe autumn to share its despondency. Now I flinch each time I face reality, not because I’m not seemingly mature, but because I believe I have had a lot of it already.

I want to be carefree again. And be able to close my eyes without the fear of falling apart before falling asleep.

And back then, I couldn’t wait to grow up.

A whole

How anomalous is the fact that continuous stagnancy in one’s life could also result in ripples? It is always the calm and the serene seeming skies that become home to the loud and boisterous clouds on a rainy day. Similar to the power that slow music holds. It races the heart, dislodges tears. Neither could the calm music soothe, nor could the sky contain the beaming sunshine. Nothing for long.

If I ever had the ability to implement a change in the basic human nature, I’d approve of nothing, at all. It is always the constraints applied that bowdlerizes entropy. Restrict the fire and it would die. Close the curtains and the light stops coming.

Thoughts restricted is cognition impaired. Love restricted is love dead. Pigeons caged for long wouldn’t fly. Humans instructed to do ‘what they should’ decorates a room large enough to harbor a graveyard to non-functional inquisitiveness, and to rationality.

We choose to do what we love. And if it is not so, think, before the decorated graveyard welcomes you. Part by part. Then a whole.

//wonderland

I never thought I’d find myself so endeared and yet so composite by your sight. You always did push me to boundaries I never thought I really would want to jump across, and I ended up discovering them as my horizons. My horizons with you.

Isn’t it scary, the fact that all that we love becomes an integral part of the life we are constantly weaving for ourselves? After your recoil even before the first road of turmoil in the peregrinations, I thought we’d travel and ‘make through,’ I was a little sad, more devastated.

It never was amusing to be prepared for the cleave whilst loving you, but it did help a little. You kept telling me an ample number of times to be fit, come what may. You were more like the Alice of twilight– the character could forestall, and you, you scripted our future by yourself, resonating it with your wave and your gusto. And I, the Alice of the wonderland.

I kept perusing me in myself that was devoid of your composites, only to find I was beyond drenched. It is hard to take back pieces of yourself you thought always belonged to the other person. Harder to wake up full of thoughts in the mind only with the impromptu leaning to approach the tap to rinse it all off. But you know what is the hardest part? Being in this situation.

So I get out. Taking giant, giant steps. And not looking back, as the site of myself is the most endearing.

Iterating the much popular rhetoric my way, ‘not all those in wonderland are lost.’

Recap on 2017

Me: “Hey siri, show me my 2017 pictures!” *gallery opens up*

I look through them, lethargic after a full day’s work at the spa. Not everyone who goes to a spa comes back relaxed.

As my fingers glide swiftly from one picture to another, I am more amused than tired. Those 1487 pictures and 21 crazy slo-mo videos could be looked at the entire night. The recap on 2017 was more peaceful than sleep. It always feels like yesterday at the end of every year. I wish I could celebrate the new year’s with you mom, nonetheless, memories with you keep flashing at the back of my mind all the time. My mom always told me to sleep on time and get up early. I am sorry mom, I couldn’t help, your memory keeps me awake all the time.

As I scrolled through each one of them, I lay in solace. Finding my forehead moist, smelling mom’s favourite strawberry lip balm, I smile and murmur gratitude to 2017.

To you

A hope is what we start the day with and at the end, we resort to wishing. I won’t be dull to you. I hope you get to know everyone who cares for you. I hope you live all those moments that you deserve. I hope you pull off your sweater nicely this winter. I hope the ketchup doesn’t leak from the wrong place. I hope you don’t trip again from your own shoelaces.

I hope you know that I loved you. And I hope you smile stupidly when you know what all I wish for you. 

I choose you.

I was sitting in my dingy cell patiently staring at the wafers of the walls with pen in one hand, scribbling on papers in an attempt to get a perfect start. You entered through the creaky door, I didn’t hear the noise but your poise blocked the lamp which was the only light source in the cage. I wasn’t looking but I knew you were staring at me. You came to take me into the other world where the sun shined without the boundaries of time. I remember you once told me that you could be the sun for me. But I didn’t want to come with you for the umpteenth time. Not that I liked my life dark, but because I craved the moon. I wanted it as it even brightens up the darkest hour. I chose my world eliminating some elements and adding importance to others not because we’re different, but because you shine and your light makes me blind. You didn’t understand my world and I wanted to understand yours. So I chose the light.

Bigotry

You take away my box of colours
Distract my imagination
Close my windows
And discuss with me the fact how the sun shines brightly.

I show you my dreams
You take away my light
Make it all dark and difficult
And blame me on how I lost my path.

You do not let me sleep
Your thoughts haunt my mind
Then provide me with the best pillow and mattress
Only helps me mask my fears and hide my tears.

Why don’t you find it strange?
A slap is not a lullaby
Restrictions are not freedom
Chocolate doesn’t kill pain
And most importantly,
One who hurts couldn’t heal.

I don’t want your medicine
But I’m on medication this time.
Sadly, none heal.

I am congruent with you.

If giving up a child based on gender isn’t wrong, then nothing in this world is wrong. No one in this world has been given the right to decide anyone’s existence, not even the creator.

Silence her cries and you will live with silent cries.

Stay by my side, for I may fall
Convicted by the hands of the Lord.
But thou, I pardon for my crime
Was it murder, kidnapping or just selling wine?

Here I stand, in the box
My life stares at me as if I was a hoax!
Rewind and reminded of my mistakes
Were they so terrible, to give away the stakes?

A faulty piece, couldn’t be replaced
Deep, dark and yet so blazed?
And yet I pardon for my crime
‘It’s a sin,’ is what they all chime.

I killed the man who killed my daughter
He is bailed and I am slaughtered?
‘She wasn’t even born and hence not killed’
Ah, I wonder where they get such a skill.

There was a heart which pounced with mine
There was a soul, which lived with mine.
Intricately joined, these two strived
Then how come did it not have a life?

‘People believe in what they see’
Then why did I even have to plea?
Fifty million cases reported every year
Are they blind to not shed a tear?

‘Hanged till death,’ said the words
Some pitied and some cursed.
Funnily, none is so much skilled
To kill the one already killed.

Unspoken and unheard.

I don’t wish to hurt people. Also, I don’t expect to get hurt. It’s a difficult feeling, this game. I play honestly and I lose? No. I play honestly and HENCE I lose. My parents brought me up like a seal. A seal here is used metaphorically since my mouth and limbs are sealed. I speak in a way they don’t understand. Probably because I am substantial and they don’t wish to get good. I want EQUALITY, gender equality to be precise. Had it been just me, I could still have tolerated. But when I see this comparison, what do I do? I still tolerate. I want to be free because I don’t do wrong anything nor I wish to.

I just wish to be understood.

The foreordained shuffle.

I can stop but never fade
What if you are the king of spades?
I’m tainted with your betrayal
You’re a loser.
Even if you win, that won’t be your win
Because you would be the first one to make a move

And you stole from everyone their cards of spades.

And I gave you my chance.

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